Holistic Woman

I often found myself looking for, and being dissatisfied by- church. I am not naturally a people person, and was not looking for superficial socialization. The thing is, I’ve known God in my life to pull me from numerous dark places and to answer my prayers, leading me when I was alone. He has been undeniable from my perspective. So, I was looking for a place to be with Him, to feel the holy spirit. A place to help fill my internal cup as I parented single handedly for many years. I was looking for God and finding big-screen, live-streamed preaching at mega-churches that felt like a corporate venture which was at best a motivational speech, and at worst was insulting. Something was missing. For seven years I prayed for help to find a church, feeling lost, but holding faith in my heart. Because through addictions, traumas, mental crisis, and severe aloneness, He’s been there making ways. This is a common testimony.

Many people have been wounded by callous, pompous, hate-filled people, including myself. I just don’t think it’s right to look to any Christian and expect to see a saint, be it a pastor or not. It doesn’t seem right that my day of worship was in one preacher’s hands, even though I do appreciate their sentiment.

People are just not capable of being representatives of Gods love the same way the simple yet powerful routines, prayers, and chants can. People are all sinners, all of them. And the worst part: scripture COULD be used to reduce and attack anyone. This is not right. There are a lot of careless people who use it as a weapon with no fear of the log in their own eye, in order to triumph themselves. There is also plenty of disgusting political riff-raff that has drug religion through the muddy trenches and propped it up like in the movie Weekend at Bernie’s. I’ll say it again, we are all sinners, none better than another, and faith, hope, and love is for every one of us. Whether you’re a habitual liar, prideful, angry, promiscuous, gluttonous, or whichever way your personality finds itself, you were designed by creator and are loved.

In Orthodoxy we fight our “passions” and resist our sinful, aka hurtful, behavior through prayer, fasting, and humble love. You should not let the judgment of human beings hurt your heart, vengeance is Gods, and He knows your heart. Trust him. You will find sour people wherever you go, and you yourself will be that person from time to time.

Orthodoxy is a hands-on experience and the growth a person can experience within The Church is endless. Did you know that there are other books of the Bible, stories of saints, and even modern-day miracles? This is regular in Orthodoxy, and it took me a little while to believe it, but it is true. From myrrh streaming icons to fires that never go out, you could do a deep dive that you never come out of. It’s beautiful, and the ancient church protects it all.

Orthodox “fathers” are serving in a sort of chain of command, for organizational and ethical reasons. They are humble, helpful, kind, and they practice, pray, and serve every day. It is common to have more than one father at the church so that the people are able to get the care they need. Orthodoxy also has its monasteries: men and woman who choose to devote their whole life to prayer. They are such lovely places to visit.

When I went to my first liturgy at a ROCOR Orthodox Church, I felt stunned by the experience. It was strange, I’d never been to a place like it. Most of the woman had a scarf on their heads, and people were very repetitively crossing themselves and kissing icons. I had no idea what was going on. The choir was beautiful, and it smelled beautiful, the candles were beautiful, and despite being uncomfortable with all the newness, the feelings were beautiful. Everyone was minding their own business, and I appreciated that. When I was approached, it was genuine and low pressure. At one point the father’s wife kindly cued me in that my oldest son shouldn’t have his hands in his pockets during prayer. There was much to learn, and I was wanting.

Orthodoxy bears a quiet beauty in its ancient and enduring tradition. Liturgy and vespers are close to being identical every week, with some changes for holiday services. It has been that way since the apostles ventured from Jesus to begin Christianity, before it split from Catholicism. So once you learn the routine, it is beautifully simple, infinitely complex, and a sense of peace will come. If not immediately, in due time. It is a way to worship well the God I love. The God that IS love. Finally I was not at a loss of what to do to love Him back.

During my first days in the church, the things I had concern over were head-coverings, using the term “father”, and kissing icons. Later I had to adjust to doing confession, which was very anxiety inducing for me. Let me tell you about my conclusions.

Head-coverings are not an act of oppression, they are a symbol of acknowledging what is sacred. Communion is also covered by a cloth, as are other sacred things in the church. This is how it has been taught to me. Orthodoxy recognizes a woman as sacred and they recognize the Theotokos (Mother Mary), to be most glorious of all humans next to Jesus. I was raised by a feminist, and am a cynical person, but I found head coverings to be actually validating and beautiful.

Father is never a term that is demanded, and not in place of “Our Father”, it means no disrespect, but is simply adopted to acknowledge him as a man who is ceaselessly praying for and tending to his church. It feels more natural when you come to know a father, because he is good to the name. My church father calls himself reverend, but I call him father by choice, along with the rest of the church, that I know of. The amount of love and care you’ll find from him without judgment is magnificent. It is not zealous, it is a steady peace that I can only assume comes from the Holy Spirit.

Icons were very new to me. I wanted to write them off as soon as I saw them. They looked odd, and they were everywhere. Kissing them seemed a little icky at first, until I let my heart soften enough to see that we were pouring love to the eternal beings using the icons only to ignite our memory and direct our focus. They are painted a certain way with reason, special paint, and symbolism out of deep ritual. Orthodoxy believes the soul lives on after death, and that each person or even angel, may hear us. Much like you might ask a devout friend to pray for you, you can ask the saints to pray for you. My obsolete social life was expanding to even beyond the grave, which I am still trying to soften my heart to. Deep down to me people=danger. I am healing here.

When I remember the church as “the bride” of God, as is stated in the Bible (one of the reasons I was always trying to find a church), I find it to be very fitting that they are always kissing everything and keeping all of their memories so alive. It reminds me of how a teenager reacts to their first love. How they keep all of their boyfriend or girlfriends pictures, letters, movie tickets, and so on, in a box to keep safe and look over them longingly: that is what the church reminds me of. It seems so sweet and most precious to me, and I feel blessed to have found the church. Knowing I could go anywhere in the world and find an Orthodox Church in which I would be able to walk in and participate in such a familiar routine is comforting.

The journey of anyone’s life is all their own, but I am happy to share my thoughts on this experience with you. Blessed be!

Please, listen to some orthodox hymns and chants, they are so graceful! I’ve linked one of my favorites below.

“This hymn was written by Saint Nektarios between 1894 and 1908, while he was the director of Rizarios school, which was a school for future priests. He had great humility. When a student would do something bad, instead of forcing a punishment on the student, he would force a punishment on himself which would usually be not eating anything on the dinner table of the school for 3 days. He considered it to be his fault, believing he didn’t teach right the students and that was the reason for their mistakes. That was why the students would try not to do anything wrong, they didn’t want to hurt their beloved teacher.

Once when the janitor was sick he cleaned the toilets of the school without telling anyone, but he was seen.” -@GarytaliaLaz

There is also a year 2021 movie that was made out about Saint Nektarios called “Man of God”, which is a good watch.

Sending love.